Sincerity

Recently I find that my answers on Quora can be so long, that I might as well have written them as a blog post...

So I figured, why not just copy/paste them into my blog.

I answered the following question on Quora:

How can I have someone be sincere with me?

I have a hard time feeling that people are being genuine with me, given my well-renowned position and reputation. When I am surrounded by my closest consorts, I still I tend to have this feeling in the back of my mind that people are only acting the way they do to gain favor even though I know they care for me deeply, and it's eating me alive.

My Answer:

Tempted to start with "this is not the right questions. The right question is..."

But I won't. In Quora, you should either what a person asks, or not answer at all :)

So my answer to the question is "you can't". It's actually quite simple - YOU can't have someone be sincere with you. THEY need to be sincere with you, and you have little control over that. Except if you already know what they really think, in which case you don't really need to talk to them at all :)
But, trying to help you with what seems to be your struggle, I'm going to say this:

1) I think that your best way to tell if someone is sincere with you is by past experience. If they have always been sincere with you, then there's a good chance they'll be sincere this time around.

2) Number 1 brings out the question - so how can I tell if a new person is being sincere with me? Answer: you can't. Someone once told me that if con people were easy to spot, they'd be out of a job. I tend to keep this in the back of my mind.
I'm a lousy judge of character. I think most people are, especially the ones who think that they are good judges of character. This is, again, due to the fact that good liers are very experienced at misleading people. So the question I have in mind when a person I don't know tells me something is not "are they sincere", but more of "what's at stake here, if, god forbid, this person is not being honest".
I find this to be an excellent way to deal with people's sincerity question. It reduces the stress level resulting from this question that keeps popping up in your mind, and it actually creates a learning experience. If there's not too much at stake, you can assume that you don't know if the person is being sincere, and just wait to see whether they were or they weren't, and then learn from it a little.

3) Unless you are Barack Obama, The term "eating me alive" suggests that you may be taking this subject way too seriously. The guy at the store is giving you advice aimed at getting you to buy the product that gives him the best margin. Your dentist may be recommending expensive treatments that will help her redecorate her living room. Your boss may be giving you advice that is not only for your own good, but also for his own good. Your employees are doing good work not only because they love you, but also because they want your job one day.
It's OK. You have to learn to live with it. Respect everyone and suspect everyone, but don't be un-trusting. Don't be naive, but be a sucker sometimes, (knowingly, even). Getting screwed, when the price isn't too high, is a very valuable learning experience.
Make sure you are bothered by what's important

How to Ruin your Reputation by being Petty

I've been using an online backup service for many years now. I got introduced to the subject by Mozy, later to be acquired by EMC. They used to give everyone 2Gb of data free (they still do). When it finally became time to back up more than just 2Gb, I wanted to go on Mozy's paid program, but their software simply didn't work, and did not manage to back up more than 4Gb of my data. (they probably fixed it by now)

So I looked elsewhere, and found carbonite. They had unlimited backup for ~$4 a month. Same as Mozy, but actually working. Installed, turned it on, paid the annual subscription, and became a happy camper.

3 lovely years passed, where I even got the chance to restore once, and it was well worth the money spent (not to mention peace of mind).

My amount of data grew gradually, until one day not too long ago, it seemed like a good idea to get an additional hard drive. I went out and got a new hard drive, external this time (it was on special). I connected it to my computer and moved some data to it. Then I went in carbonite and found out that they won't back up data on the new drive because they don't work with USB drives. Say what? Why do you guys care what hardware I'm using? What am I supposed to do now, just not use the drive, or perhaps make sure all my important data is on the other drives? A bit of snooping around to find out that this weird policy doesn't exist in any other online service. Time to talk to Carbonite, my good old backup provider, and ask them if they can cut me some slack.

I wrote a letter to Carbonite's support, asking them to make an exception, because my new drive was just as important as my other drives. They said no. I wrote another letter saying "listen, guys, I really need to backup my data and I really like your service, but if you won't let me protect all of my data, then we cannot do business together. Please refund what's left of my annual subscription (more than half)".

This is the response I got back:

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Customer Support

Date: Thu, Jan 27, 2011 at 12:58 AM

Subject: User incident report [Incident: 110125-001173]

To:

Response (Leena G.)01/26/2011 05:58 PM

Hello and thank you for contacting Carbonite Customer Support.

We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused to you. At present, Carbonite only backs up local internal hard drives. For more details, please click the link below.

External, Network and USB Drives: http://carbonite.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1386

Also, please ensure that if you delete/move a file from your computer, Carbonite will schedule the file to be deleted within thirty days. This gives you some time if you realize you deleted the wrong file. For more details, please click the link below.

Retention of Deleted Files: http://carbonite.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1402

Additionally, we request you to please review our refund policy at: http://carbonite.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1496

As stated during our purchasing process, when selecting 'Confirm' you agreed to Carbonite's Terms of Use and acknowledged that you were aware of Carbonite's Refund Policy. We also give users the opportunity to run our free trial to try before they buy.

If you are having difficulty using Carbonite, please let us know what the issue is and we will be happy to assist you.

Please let us know if you need additional assistance.

Sincerely,

Leena G.

Carbonite Customer Support

www.carbonite.com

Back it up. Get it back.

For those of you not familiar with American English, let me translate:

Dear Customer,

Go F yourself.

Had you read our full TOS when you signed up with our service, you would have realized that you're making a mistake because if you decide to buy a USB drive, we would not back it up for you. Further more, we were nice enough to tell you upfront that if you're stupid enough to sign up to our service even after we told you all this, that you won't see a dime back. This is why it's called ann(u)al subscription.

True, you signed up with us 3 years ago, when USB external drives weren't as popular, and yes, you've been extending our service every year since, but hey - there was a checkbox there saying that you agree to everything, so take responsibility for your actions.

Just between you and us, you have about $30 left on your subscription. You've been our customer for 3 years now, so what's $30 among friends? Imagine you took us on a night out, or find some other way to live with the loss.

Bottom line: Carbonite could have allowed me to cancel my service, and could have refunded my 20 or 30 bucks, because who in their right mind would not allow a person to own a USB drive nowadays? They could have saved me the time of writing this post, and save themselves the embarrassment of getting a bad review from an old faithful customer.

Mental note: never ever refuse a refund to a customer who is not happy with the product and is giving it back.

P.S. I am on CrashPlan's trial now. They are 10% through backing up my data. If it completes before my 30 day trial is over, I will switch over to them. I'm losing $30, but my data is too important to be left for chance.